omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Is it because I queefed?
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
