tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
