she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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