Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
