Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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