Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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