I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
