4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
