When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
