update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'm getting married
To pizza
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
