He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Randomize
