you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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