If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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