The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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