i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
do herpes really smell.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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