So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
my sisters under your porch take her home
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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