I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
