also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
People in love make me want to vomit
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
