come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
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