I wish I could teleport
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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