I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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