my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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