If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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