Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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