Well douche your snatch and let's go!
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
