is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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