matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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