at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
