I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
