guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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