so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
