So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
