i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
