You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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