It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
