i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
