Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
