I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
