Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
