Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
At least life still wants to fuck me.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
