sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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