yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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