Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Randomize
