I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
