dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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