part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
