...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
