the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
my sisters under your porch take her home
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
