im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Randomize
