Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
