When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
